Sunday, November 8, 2009

Splitting from sweetness

Reader, I messed up. I'm sorry. I couldn't get to an internet connection in time to tell you about yesterday, so I'm posting now, nine hours late. Here goes...

Today I travelled back to Mumbai, back to old uncertainties, old worries, and familiar territory, after two glorious days of blessed respite. Home was especially lovely, with a November drizzle, sightings of smart young gentleman cadets, cauliflower patches and smiling, much loved faces. I didn't want to leave. "What am I going back to?" I kept asking myself. I had no answer, Reader.
I returned to the insti after that too brief respite, and made a resolution that, this time, things would be different. It's the same resolution I've made on ever ride back home for two years now. I'm cynical of my own promises now.
What has changed this time? I have a new haircut... My hair is shoulder length now and doesn't need combing anymore. The first stage of my project is done, I have a great deal of free time on my hands now. Life and career decisions are looming up with almost frightening speed and now I have to confront them. But most importantly, this time around, I have you. You're like my daily confessional, I feel purged when I leave this space; this cool white space that is my little corner in the world.

This morning, I ate a custard apple from the tree in our garden. It was sun-warmed and had split through the centre, unable to hold in all its sweetness anymore. The parrot who I'd beat to it stared at me with very reproachful, beady eyes as I smelled it, sighed and dug in.
I hope I never forget how lucky I am.


  1. Your Anonymous ReaderNovember 9, 2009 at 5:38 AM

    "What am I going back to?"

    A feeling I know a little about. Actually, scratch that, I know too much about it. So many times, I used to ask myself that question so many times and I used to reassure myself that realization is the first step and that things would only be different from then only to fall back into an old cycle.

    But let me tell you, it gets better. It gets much better very fast. Once you start thinking about the things that really matter to you and start doing something about it. Once you will yourself to gain the courage to do away with conventions, you will find a part of yourself that you didnt know was there before feeding you with ideas that will continously make your efforts better.

    Like I said before, I have enjoyed your words a lot and now am starting to identify with them a little bit more each time. I really hope you find your own path out of that small corner of the mind that acts as a self-purgatory and plagues us with self doubt.

  2. Self analysis is in itself a great positive step. This itself will help to come out of cloud and march ahead. Life is at its best with honest analysis and hardwork followed.

  3. @Anon, thank you. I'm beginning to realize that for myself. Happiness is very easy to find, isn't it? You just have to start looking. Conventions however, have no place in the quest.

    @Anon2: Thank you. I hope so.